Worry and wanting

 

I have a friend that once said to me, "90% of what you worry about, never comes true!"  I've never forgotten her words, but I'm not always able to stop my racing mind either.  Here's a story that really put this in perspective for me, it's a bit scary to share as it is baring my soul, but what the hell.....

When covid hit, (March 2020) I was in Glasgow, on my way back to Dublin, having fun hanging out with Jackson and looking forward to St. Paddy's day with friends.  I got to enjoy the entire week in Scotland but once I arrived in Dublin, I was soon was frantically changing my flights to go home and get Jackson home.  I was not ever scared of covid (surprisingly), but I was working on my plan to leave the US to live in Glasgow and for that not to happen, scared me silly.  

With that said, I knew that my passport was expiring and so was Levi's, so in early April, I sent them in to be renewed.  Surely, they would have plenty of time to come back before flying out early August.  What I didn't know was that the agencies to renew them had completely shut down.  

I was okay in May, even not too concerned in June, but when July hit, I started to mildly panic - not true, I started to fully freak out!  I started to call the passport places, studying and understanding the phases of reopening, meditating on letting the universe guide this, and simmering silently - barely telling anyone about this impending doom.  BUT I WAS FULL OUT FRIGHTENED.

I surely thought that we may be okay, as we have Luxembourg passports that are well within expiry dating since we just got them last year.  But then I googled and everything I read said, as an American citizen, you must have your American passport to leave the US.  Well shit.

I then started calling Delta, asking if I can get on without my American passport, they couldn't confirm, after hours on hold.  This was disconcerting at best.

Jaysus, Mary and Joseph!  What in the world can I do?  Is this a sign?  Am I not meant to leave?  I really want Levi to have an international education and I've planned this for so long.  I love all of my friends and family so deeply, but living in the US was slowly killing me.  My soul MUST travel.  My destiny is overseas, it is in the EU and ever since leaving Dublin, I HAD to get back.  Jackson (unknowingly) chose the destination when he went to Glasgow Uni and Scotland seemed perfectly fine for our next foray in living overseas.  I mean they speak the same language, so that is easy (right, ha, more on that later!)

So I did the next best thing I could think of, I called a psychic.  So much for trusting the universe, I needed someone who could tell me what the universe was saying to me.  I was losing sleep people!  Here's what she said, without a word from me.....

"Kitty, it seems that you see some kind of obstacle in your way.  You see it as a brick wall, something immovable, that can't be changed.  But what I see is a doorway, with those hanging beads, where it looks like an obstacle, but really isn't.  It is something that you actually walk right through."  (does anyone else reading this remember the hanging beads at Grandma VanWormer's house?  That is all I could think of). 

I then said to her, oh yes, that is why I am calling, my passport is not back, and I don't think I can leave the country.  She calmly said, that there is no worry at all.  Relax, this is all meant to be and you are leaving.  She saw me in Scotland.  It was a done deal. 

Whew!  I was so relieved and I believed her for about 2.5 days, and then I started to worry again.  Will I ever learn?  Sleepless nights, nobody to talk to about it, fear overtaking my every thought.  Packing, but wondering, will I really get out of the country?  More calls to Delta, daily calls to the passport agency.  Covid is forefront on everyone's mind, but not mine!  

Finally I get an email from the passport agency saying my passport was approved and ready to ship.  I am not even kidding when I say to you, I fell to my knees and wept!  Thanks to God and all of Her powers that let this be.  It wasn't until later that I looked up the number and realized, it was Levi's that got approved, not mine.  I quickly surmised, that was even better and now was the time to involve Oma.  If I can't go, I'll send Levi with Oma.  He needed to get there with time to quarantine before starting school.  As usual, my partner in crime was totally on board!  God bless Oma - I swear to you, I have the absolute best mom in the world!  (and I apologize to all of you who don't, and that includes you Jackson and Levi)!

My worry didn't stop completely, but it did abate a little.  I still wanted to be the one to go and start our new adventure together.  So I kept up my phone calls and finally got a person that told me to send a hand written note to the passport agency in Pittsburg, where mine was being held up, explain my situation, and ask for them to just return it.  Fees be damned, I got something out the next day, shipped it priority and waited.  A full 10 days before our scheduled flight, I FINALLY got an email saying my passport was approved and in the mail.  I received it one week before we left.  

PRAISE TO ALL THAT IS HOLY!  Miracles do happen!  But (of course) there's more....

So we are going to Scotland, at least we have what we need to go.  I still worried that the flights wouldn't go because of covid (spoiler alert, they were perfect, and we made it!  LOL). We are packed, we are at the airport and we are checking in.

I'm at the Delta counter talking to Gordon, because I practically lived at that airport and I know the staff, but it is John (new to me) checking us in.  I hand over the blue US passports still in full gratitude that I have these in my possession, and John sees red passports.  He pauses and then asks, "what is that? Do you have EU passports?"  Yes, in fact we do.  I kid you not, these are his next words almost verbatim..... "Oh, give me those, we don't want the US passports, these are better as you are flying into the EU and they will be what you want to fly with."

WHAT IN THE LITERAL F@$%?  Are you kidding me?  Are you telling me that I worried for nothing?  That those sleepless nights were all in vain?  That I never even needed the US ones in the first place?  That my Luxembourg passports are more valuable to me right now.  Crickey!

I was truly and completely gobsmacked!  

.............and all I can think of are THOSE GODDAMMMED BEADS!  

They are always just beads Kitty, absolutely everything is possible, just walk on through.